Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
