The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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