drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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