I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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