It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
