I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Randomize
