saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
