I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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