I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
