GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
what day is it and did you see me today?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
