I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
My breath smells like gin and sadness
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
