proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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