so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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