fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
