im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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