when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
