I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
