I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
