I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize