I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
