You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
