Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
