Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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