insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
