There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
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