It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
