Tell her she can't have a vagina
This girl is more easily done than said...
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize