think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
