dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize