I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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