I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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