I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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