omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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