I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
