Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
