Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
