please come you make the beer taste better
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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