She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
