One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
