I just made out with a guy for $7.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
