I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
