I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
