the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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