so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
