All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
