i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
