I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
My pussy is not your playground.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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