i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
