I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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