Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
