I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
