Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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