He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
