They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
