What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
