He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
