Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
