I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
