I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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